Seriously guys. Iphone's been out for over a year.
Nothing?
The only thing that makes me more pissed off than the shortcomings of my phone is knowing that it's still years better than anything else that's not made and sold exclusively in Japan (where, I swear to God cos I've seen it, they can do video chat and record broadcast TV.)
So yeah, eat a dick all you other phone makers. You've been owned by a company known for making smooth walkmen. How the fuck does that happen?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The Iphone Sucks
Funny story, I thought about writing "Steve Job's ideal sexual object is 5 feet 7 inches of high grade plastic with a 1 inch bevel on the sides and a 1 and 1/3 inch hole, bored and polished in the center," and then I thought to myself, "What if that makes Steve Jobs sad?" and almost didn't write it.
Then I remembered that he's a billionaire and will probably get over it.
So yeah, fuck his phone. Fuck my phone. I have one and no i'm not trading it up. Two simple reasons: Visual Voicemail and Google Maps.
Fuck the app store, weather, stocks, even email and web. All that's glitter.
Maps and Voicemail keep me there. I'm dying for anyone to come out with a competitor that can do the seemingly simple tasks of allowing me to easily listen to voicemail, and to show me how to get places.
Everything else however, is just a reminder how Apple wants my money. Even ringtones cost money (I know there's hacks and I use em, it's the principle of it). Apple's getting out of the "buy our shit and break the law" mode and into "buy our shit, then use it to buy more of our shit" model, which I'm sure looks great on paper.
It does erode at least my brand loyalty to them however. Ipods were great. Even the Itunes store was more like a front than an attempt to make money. Not now. Buy the phone, buy some apps, get advertised to on other ones (that's an awesome new feature!)
Oh yeah.
Tactile feedback. That's where the Jobs fucking plastic boards came in. Between the new default mac keyboard (which even after using for months i'm still blowing it on) and the iphone, Jobs is looking to destroy all tactile feedback.
Sure doing the finger swishing is cool, but I can't even use the phone to take a picture as easily as my RAZR would. I can't tell you how many times my thumb was not hitting the button. See also using the calcluator, stopwatch and any other thing where it'd be a totally sweet thing, if only you didn't have to be looking at or prepping your hand to hit the button. I want to feel that I've hit the button, not wait to hear a delayed shutter sound that is inaudible under most urban conditions.
Then I remembered that he's a billionaire and will probably get over it.
So yeah, fuck his phone. Fuck my phone. I have one and no i'm not trading it up. Two simple reasons: Visual Voicemail and Google Maps.
Fuck the app store, weather, stocks, even email and web. All that's glitter.
Maps and Voicemail keep me there. I'm dying for anyone to come out with a competitor that can do the seemingly simple tasks of allowing me to easily listen to voicemail, and to show me how to get places.
Everything else however, is just a reminder how Apple wants my money. Even ringtones cost money (I know there's hacks and I use em, it's the principle of it). Apple's getting out of the "buy our shit and break the law" mode and into "buy our shit, then use it to buy more of our shit" model, which I'm sure looks great on paper.
It does erode at least my brand loyalty to them however. Ipods were great. Even the Itunes store was more like a front than an attempt to make money. Not now. Buy the phone, buy some apps, get advertised to on other ones (that's an awesome new feature!)
Oh yeah.
Tactile feedback. That's where the Jobs fucking plastic boards came in. Between the new default mac keyboard (which even after using for months i'm still blowing it on) and the iphone, Jobs is looking to destroy all tactile feedback.
Sure doing the finger swishing is cool, but I can't even use the phone to take a picture as easily as my RAZR would. I can't tell you how many times my thumb was not hitting the button. See also using the calcluator, stopwatch and any other thing where it'd be a totally sweet thing, if only you didn't have to be looking at or prepping your hand to hit the button. I want to feel that I've hit the button, not wait to hear a delayed shutter sound that is inaudible under most urban conditions.
The Mexican Border Sucks
In all ways. There is no better example of two countries yelling "Hey, Fuck You" and "No, Fuck You!" back and forth than the one you are required to seep through when you want to drive from TJ to San Diego.
Getting into Mexico is easy. It's like a laxative shit, you get ready, think it's gonna be a big deal and blammo, it's over before you even got ready.
Getting out. Mother of God. Mexicans didn't take a lot of time with the "This way to the USA" road directions, especially once you get into TJ. And really, why should they? It's not their responsibility to baby another countries ignoramuses. While I would certainly appreciate some more nicely and specifically labeled road signs, I also understand that if it works for Mexicans, then the problem is mine.
Got in the wrong lane on the last trip. Some kind of bluetooth wireless fast pass lane. It was shorter, but our getting into it was simply a factor of getting heinously fucking lost and that being the only road which seemed to be labeled "USA". This error necessitated an extra search of our car (really more of an up and down glancing), and a warning that if we are to get lost again and go through the fast-pass lane, it'll be a $5,000 fine. Now I've got America saying if I'm a dumb ignoramus again it's gonna cost me a few house payments. Awesome.
So fuck that shit. Get one of those catapults the wingnuts are so scared of.
Getting into Mexico is easy. It's like a laxative shit, you get ready, think it's gonna be a big deal and blammo, it's over before you even got ready.
Getting out. Mother of God. Mexicans didn't take a lot of time with the "This way to the USA" road directions, especially once you get into TJ. And really, why should they? It's not their responsibility to baby another countries ignoramuses. While I would certainly appreciate some more nicely and specifically labeled road signs, I also understand that if it works for Mexicans, then the problem is mine.
Got in the wrong lane on the last trip. Some kind of bluetooth wireless fast pass lane. It was shorter, but our getting into it was simply a factor of getting heinously fucking lost and that being the only road which seemed to be labeled "USA". This error necessitated an extra search of our car (really more of an up and down glancing), and a warning that if we are to get lost again and go through the fast-pass lane, it'll be a $5,000 fine. Now I've got America saying if I'm a dumb ignoramus again it's gonna cost me a few house payments. Awesome.
So fuck that shit. Get one of those catapults the wingnuts are so scared of.
Friday, July 11, 2008
iphone apps suck
so I spend the better part of the morning getting my "2.0" software installed on my iphone, the "2.0" being the ability to do like hacked iphones have been able to do since 10 months ago and install 3rd party applications onto it.
gone are the days when my amazing iphone is hampered by Apple's lack of imagination.
actually, um no.
I've been digging for half an hour now, digging for anything worth downloading.
the sum total of my search:
downloaded:
- currency converter
- ability to control itunes from phone
odds of using either one more than, say, once: one in six.
The hacked apps available were way more useful and good. It's embarrassing if you think about it: a bunch of people with zero help made some seriously amazing stuff and gave it out for free. Now that Apple's helping people make it (and taking a 30% cut of the pay stuff) everything blows. Where's my non AOL version of AIM?
The rest of all the categories are split between two things: ported widgets and other useless crap is about half the apps (travel trackers, shipping trackers, re-skinned websites); the other half are, and I'm serious, applications to calculate tips and split bills at restaurants.
I can't think of a more perfect statement about douchebags who own iphones.
Seriously, who's sitting there? What programmer downloads, deciphers and masters the 2 gigabytes of heiroglyphics that comprise the iphone software development kit and thinks, "You know what the world needs? An extremely limited version of a calclulator that only relates to the strife of upwardly mobile 20 and 30 somethings who are single."
It's basic math. BAAAASIC MATH. And the goddamn phone already does basic math in the form of the calculator already on it (and every other phone from the last five years.)
The person who sees this app available and thinks, "this is just what I need!" is my enemy. I was thinking of all sorts of violent floral language to put here, but no: they are my enemy. If I see them the urge to smack will be great.
gone are the days when my amazing iphone is hampered by Apple's lack of imagination.
actually, um no.
I've been digging for half an hour now, digging for anything worth downloading.
the sum total of my search:
downloaded:
- currency converter
- ability to control itunes from phone
odds of using either one more than, say, once: one in six.
The hacked apps available were way more useful and good. It's embarrassing if you think about it: a bunch of people with zero help made some seriously amazing stuff and gave it out for free. Now that Apple's helping people make it (and taking a 30% cut of the pay stuff) everything blows. Where's my non AOL version of AIM?
The rest of all the categories are split between two things: ported widgets and other useless crap is about half the apps (travel trackers, shipping trackers, re-skinned websites); the other half are, and I'm serious, applications to calculate tips and split bills at restaurants.
I can't think of a more perfect statement about douchebags who own iphones.
Seriously, who's sitting there? What programmer downloads, deciphers and masters the 2 gigabytes of heiroglyphics that comprise the iphone software development kit and thinks, "You know what the world needs? An extremely limited version of a calclulator that only relates to the strife of upwardly mobile 20 and 30 somethings who are single."
It's basic math. BAAAASIC MATH. And the goddamn phone already does basic math in the form of the calculator already on it (and every other phone from the last five years.)
The person who sees this app available and thinks, "this is just what I need!" is my enemy. I was thinking of all sorts of violent floral language to put here, but no: they are my enemy. If I see them the urge to smack will be great.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Snapple Sucks
Brew some iced tea, add stale storebought lemon juice and some sugar, pour it on a New York sidewalk and lick it up.
Mmmmm snapple!
Mmmmm snapple!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Indiana Jones 4 Sucks
I had low expectations, but the first bit of the movie was very fun, so my expectations rose.
It's like making out with a girl, getting a boner and then her slamming it in a door made of generic aliens and a lack of any tension or drive to the story.
It's like making out with a girl, getting a boner and then her slamming it in a door made of generic aliens and a lack of any tension or drive to the story.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Speed Racer Sucks
The Warchowski brothers have been hoodwinked into thinking that technology makes films good and/or cool. After the runaway success of The Matrix and it's amazing breakthrough technology "bullet time" (previously seen when Edward Myubridge was taking pictures of naked people and horses) they knew that their charge in the world was to use technology to make awesome films.
They got off to a good start as noted in this article:
Miraculous. Well. Except for the fact that the "Burly Brawl" as it was called looked exactly like the barely-not-a-video game VFX shot that it was. All that work for that cloth and it still looked like fake plastic men moving like Grand Theft Auto extras.
So you must understand how excited I was when I read that they were doing to use a magical camera from Sony, the F23. I mean listen to this:
Unless, you, you know, have ever seen television, in which case, this will look a lot like many things you have seen before.
Apparently, this amazing camera gets more color, which, you know, cool. Except for the fact that this is the digital age and all you need is any video software to up the saturation.
Then there was some rumor about it being able to shoot things with everything in focus. I suppose that makes it like the camera Gregg Toland used for Citizen Kane.
So I saw the movie. They didn't need that shit. They didn't need it because every shot in the film is a flat greenscreen shot with a defocus plugin that, GET THIS, makes the Bokeh into Diamonds and Hearts and Circles!
The car parts are decent, and do a much better job than anything involving humans or "amazing defocusing techniques" at being not lame.
So, much like every other film John Gaeta and the Warchowskis brag about their new tech in, the technological innovations were completely pointless and also not new.
The worst offense in the film isn't the technological innovations, it isn't the waste of the actors' talent, it's this kung-fu scene.
Somewhere in the movie, all our good guys get surrounded by bad guys with guns. A mediocre kung-fu fight ensues as each good guy uses their specific fighting strengths to overcome the odds. It's not miraculous, but it's probably the best use of humans in the film. As the tide has turned and the fight is wrapping up, each good guy disarms a bad guy and the fight resolves with all the good guys pointing guns at the final bad guy.
That's right, this kids movie, which has done a pretty good job of showing action and danger in a cartoon setting up to this point, this kids movie has to ratchet up the adrenaline with some GUNS. Whoo haaaa. It's bad enough that the only way to make the bad guys menacing at all is to arm them in a movie like this, but to have all our good characters, who solve their problems on the track, pick up guns and threaten someone's life is beyond offensive.
I know it's fun to talk shit about their dumb visual effects gimicks and these posts really shine when they are about inconsequential things, but the gun thing has me incensed.
There's no reason for guns in that movie. Movies already (and Warchowski movies specifically) use guns as a crutch far too much. They're becoming late night cable programming, where every dude has a bad attitude and a gun and no capability to solve anything without them both. The bad guys were beaten, there was ONE LEFT and no one needed any guns to get to that point, so what is so insanely powerful about that one dude left that requires the Speed Racer team to say "knock it off or we are going to fucking kill you."?
The very definition of shitty writing.
They got off to a good start as noted in this article:
"To simulate the appearance of cloth and its interaction with light, the wardrobes for both Neo and Smith were scanned using a Bidirectional Reflectometer, which captures the light reflectance (Bidirectional Reflectance Distribution Function or BRDF) values for all kinds of cloth. Using this extremely powerful machine allowed ESC to scan the various types of cloth involved in the actors’ wardrobes, which could then be recreated and simulated in the computer."
Miraculous. Well. Except for the fact that the "Burly Brawl" as it was called looked exactly like the barely-not-a-video game VFX shot that it was. All that work for that cloth and it still looked like fake plastic men moving like Grand Theft Auto extras.
So you must understand how excited I was when I read that they were doing to use a magical camera from Sony, the F23. I mean listen to this:
"Whatever you think of Speed Racer, the new alternate-reality VFX fest from the Wachowski Brothers directorial team, you'll have to admit that it doesn't look like anything you've seen before."
Unless, you, you know, have ever seen television, in which case, this will look a lot like many things you have seen before.
Apparently, this amazing camera gets more color, which, you know, cool. Except for the fact that this is the digital age and all you need is any video software to up the saturation.
Then there was some rumor about it being able to shoot things with everything in focus. I suppose that makes it like the camera Gregg Toland used for Citizen Kane.
So I saw the movie. They didn't need that shit. They didn't need it because every shot in the film is a flat greenscreen shot with a defocus plugin that, GET THIS, makes the Bokeh into Diamonds and Hearts and Circles!
The car parts are decent, and do a much better job than anything involving humans or "amazing defocusing techniques" at being not lame.
So, much like every other film John Gaeta and the Warchowskis brag about their new tech in, the technological innovations were completely pointless and also not new.
The worst offense in the film isn't the technological innovations, it isn't the waste of the actors' talent, it's this kung-fu scene.
Somewhere in the movie, all our good guys get surrounded by bad guys with guns. A mediocre kung-fu fight ensues as each good guy uses their specific fighting strengths to overcome the odds. It's not miraculous, but it's probably the best use of humans in the film. As the tide has turned and the fight is wrapping up, each good guy disarms a bad guy and the fight resolves with all the good guys pointing guns at the final bad guy.
That's right, this kids movie, which has done a pretty good job of showing action and danger in a cartoon setting up to this point, this kids movie has to ratchet up the adrenaline with some GUNS. Whoo haaaa. It's bad enough that the only way to make the bad guys menacing at all is to arm them in a movie like this, but to have all our good characters, who solve their problems on the track, pick up guns and threaten someone's life is beyond offensive.
I know it's fun to talk shit about their dumb visual effects gimicks and these posts really shine when they are about inconsequential things, but the gun thing has me incensed.
There's no reason for guns in that movie. Movies already (and Warchowski movies specifically) use guns as a crutch far too much. They're becoming late night cable programming, where every dude has a bad attitude and a gun and no capability to solve anything without them both. The bad guys were beaten, there was ONE LEFT and no one needed any guns to get to that point, so what is so insanely powerful about that one dude left that requires the Speed Racer team to say "knock it off or we are going to fucking kill you."?
The very definition of shitty writing.
Blogger Sucks
I'm trying to get the formatting right on my fucking speed racer post, and whenever I add blockquotes the whole thing eats shit, not to mention that it's miserable to change fonts or to, more specifically change them back to the default.
Awesome.
Awesome.
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