Guns N Roses Fans Suck

Listening to the new "GnR".

I'm fine with Axl making music. He can do as he pleases. The stupid part comes about when I encounter people who speak of the last decade of GnR like it's the same band.

This is a huge problem in society, much larger than Axl's side-band. Humans make companies, but in most cases, the humans that make a company one thing don't stick around, or other humans come in and make it something else. The company name is all that stays, and people will, effectively, mindlessly endorse said company even though whatever person responsible for creating their affection for it is long gone.

An Example:
Hironobu Sakaguchi, creator of Final Fantasy, left Squaresoft. Squaresoft still makes Final Fantasy games and Sakaguchi still makes games like Final Fantasy. Sakaguchi's games are arguably as good, only they aren't badged "Final Fantasy" so they sell worse.

I don't entirely expect people to do development team research on their games, but don't fucking ever try to tell me that Guns N Roses is a band that does not involve at least two of the original members.

Burning Man Sucks

Just because you and I are both creative does not mean I will like art cars. I don't feel like being stoned in the desert for a week with a bunch of naked hippies and--even better--part-time hippies. If I was going to do drugs in the desert I'd do them alone, upping the likelihood I'd come across a talking Coyote.

Your Conversational Idioms Suck

"Seven minute silence"

Yeah, um no. There's no such thing. What you have run into is the fact that you and the people around you are both boring and uninterested in each other enough to have run out of things to talk about in just shy of half of a quarter of an hour. Good job.

"No such thing as absolutes."
"That's an absolute!"

Yes. Thank you both. How about this assholes: There's no such thing as absolutes except for a few, this being one of them, go fuck yourselves knowitalls.

All Obama Impersonations Suck

Everyone I've seen try has completely blown it. The SNL guy neither looks nor sounds like him. Last time I saw him on I was far more impressed with the Tom Brokaw impression. Gawker had some dude who wants to get the job on SNL but other than being black, he was no better.

My feeling (that I'm willing to share with all you aspring Obama impersonators) is that to get him to be funny you have to think of things that are funny and then have Obama do them. Like maybe he's always dancing like he did on Ellen. I'd watch that. I am right now, in my mind!

Saturday Night Live Sucks

I know we all started watching again after the "Lazy Sunday" video, and again when Tina Fey dressed up like Sarah Palin, but the show is godawful.

Neither the McCain guy nor the Obama guy is any fun to watch, and even when Fey teamed up with Will Ferrell it was a one trick pony, only getting laughs cos the two are famous legitimately now. The remainder of the show that isn't ads is two people standing and awkwardly reading cue cards.

Jimmy Fallon Sucks

Jimmy Fallon's success resides in various network and movie excecs feeling two things to be true:

1. That Saturday Night Live is relevant, hip, funny, or any combination of the three.
2. That Jimmy Fallon was funny on it.

Barring this idea, I have no explanation for him landing movie roles and certainly not for his appointment to the Late Night desk.

Lara (Laura? Lyra?) Croft Sucks

Not because of her consistently terrible character design of muddled green and brown paired with orange skin and eyes set so wide as to be an orca, each generation both getting slightly better and less insipidly proportioned, yet still paying homage the original disaster that the character is still unsettling to look at, not for that.

For her voice.

It's too "British".

Yes, yes, thank you, I realize she's supposed to be some heiress raised all nicely, thank you for trying to poke that hole in my argument. That's not it. It's that no one, British heiress, Q of E or girl from Staines, sounds like that. Every time I hear the character speak her voice sounds decades too old for her poorly designed body and it blows the whole poorly slapped together image.

Tomb Raider was, is and always will be a mediocre game series, cobbled together using the concept of what men like without any actual thought, giving us inpossibly huge and unshapely breasts, a manly run and your mom's voice. It's a computer's solution: vairables fed in ("giant tis" "big eyes" "kind of tan" "short shorts") and the uncomfortable result returned with digital indifference. She'd probably smell like fresh bread.

Your Distaste for Arial Sucks

It's that bad huh? It's ruining your life the way that gay marriage is? Messing up your program harder than an ATI graphics card? It's the Xbox to your PS3.

Give up.

It's not a shitty typeface.

It's not Helvetica. Waaah. Sorry that your one right answer, the one you always go to when you are incapable of, I dunno, desinging, thinking, whatever, so that is gone when you boot up your friend's PC. Epicly tragic. Thank you for blogging about it. Thank you for the snarky tests, the comparison websites and the offhand comments about the design failures of the tail of the lowercase "a". Thank you for this idea that Helvetica is god therefore anything close is shit. Anything except Univers, cos that is also god.

Do they hand out a list of the fonts that you should, will and have to love for life when you take a graphic design class? Is there a day where they tell you to hate on Comic Sans and Arial? Special seminars where you talk about when you had to slum it cos you were on a PC?

In art school the biggest insult was to call something "craft" versus "art". Defaulting to Helvetica is craft.

The Lack of Politics News Sucks

I'm used to checking out wonkette and fivthirtyeight every day, but now, with the next president elected the whole network's gone quiet.

What am I supposed to chew up two hours of every day with now? Actual reports of happenings in the world? Booooring!